“The song was exactly the message I wanted to share; it was raw, it was loving, and it was us! Then, now, and in the future! It was healing; it was love!”

Read about Laura’s Swan Song below:

My name is Laura; I’m 37.

I’m a mum to my almost 9-year-old son Reiko, a partner to Kava, and a daughter to my amazing parents Linda and Mike. I’m also a niece and cousin, and I’m lucky to be half of the many friendships that have spanned the years! I’m a compulsive overpacker and an active gym avoider, and I have everything you could possibly need rumbling around in the boot of my car!

That said, I’m also a Stage 4 cancer patient who had a freckle that changed the trajectory of all the plans I imagined for my life. 

In 2017, at the age of 28, I discovered a raised mole on my thigh, and later, a biopsy would tell me it was stage 1 melanoma! Despite everyone reassuring me that it was likely caught early, my thoughts of not being around to see my son grow up were overwhelming. That said, as the years went on and, with regular skin surveillance, life settled into a new normal, that was until 2020, when melanoma moved into lymph nodes in my groin, and I was then living with stage 3 cancer. I had further surgery and followed a range of infections and side effects, which resulted in months of hospital stays. In September 2020, I was able to start a year’s worth of immunotherapy, and as that was finishing and I was celebrating a succession of “clear scans,” they discovered that melanoma had in fact been present in my right humerus, ovaries, and laterly, my adrenal glands. 

Devastating news to receive for anyone, worse so the day of my son’s 6th birthday! Cancer has had a constant impact on our family life and is a topic we have openly discussed through the years, but telling my already anxious son I am going to die of it has been incredibly difficult. I was told at the end of 2021 that the treatment was to be stopped and given “months, not years, to live.”” Ironically, from then on, when well enough, these years have probably squeezed in more living than not.

I passionately advocated for treatment to continue and am holding onto each passing day and week, and recently, I have had a consistent period of wellness, which I hope lasts a while.

Life with cancer, through its hardships and lows, has also brought around amazing opportunities. And this brings me to The Swan Song Project.

Along with the support of loved ones, one of my therapies has consistently been long drives blasting deafening music from playlists that ranged from Disney to tearjerkers, and the classic hip hop is taking me back to my clubbing years of Yonder! I like to call it my car counsellor! 

It was on one of these journeys when I was in a carpark belting out my tunes whilst mindlessly scrolling through social media when someone posted they had written a song with the charity and would highly recommend the experience.

I was immediately interested, as for years I have had a major block on how to capture the love I have for my son in a way that can be timeless and speak to him regardless of his age. Any time I picked up a pen to write anything down, I had writer’s block, likely telling myself if I wrote it down, It was checked off the to-do list, and death was next. Trying to write it was stressful, but not writing anything was even more stressful, so I thought I was just going to drop Swan Song an exploratory message, and I am so glad I did! 

From the initial contact and discussion with Ben, the founder of Swan Song, I felt reassured that, despite my singing voice being likely to be rejected by a cats’ choir, he reassured me that he and his team believe there’s a song in everyone. Virtual meetings were available I said I was willing to travel to record my song if I got to that point.

A couple of days after speaking to Ben, I was linked up and on a  Zoom call with my fellow songwriter, Mark Stoney—what a guy! Instantly, I felt like I was in the presence of a gifted singer! But he was, oh, so kind, encouraging, and funny. He explained he would be there from the start until we had a song, whatever that looked like, and however long it took. He took my remit of never-ending love and my aim to write a song for my son Reiko that also meant something to my parents. And we were off… 

The songwriting process began; we met weekly, virtually, for a few sessions, and in between times, he encouraged me to write in free flow. I like writing rhyming poems, but it didn’t quite translate into a song, but it was a good start for getting words on paper. 

Everything Mark received from me was kindly praised, and we discussed key messages and turned them into lyrics. And after only three sessions, Mark was adding in musical instruments and beats. A song was coming together with verses from what I had written. From that point on, I was officially a music composer working on the next smash hit!

Not quite, but the first time I listened to Mark sing my first verse, I couldn’t stop crying. They became happy tears and were a regular feature as I played the song over and over. It was amazing; it fitted and hardly needed any tweaks, and this was the pattern every time I received new verses. I think this was because the song was exactly the message I wanted to share; it was raw, it was loving, and it was us! Then, now, and in the future! It was healing; it was love!

As soon as we agreed that the song was finished, Mark recorded it and sent it to me as a full version, and I listened to it and practiced daily for weeks until we met. I was travelling to Newcastle to meet friends and added Sheffield to my trip to record my song at Marks Studio.

He told me this was the same street several famous bands recorded their hits, and here was me, about to make a history of my own. 

The recording session was a lot of fun. Mark instantly put me at ease, and we sat singing and practicing in person before I was up next at the microphone, recording my song, cheered on and supported by Mark at the end of every verse. After a couple of hours, the song was recorded, and after a few photos (and I’m sure a queue of adoring fans demanding autographs), I was back on the road north—on cloud 9!

I later received my song, which has been pulled together with the backing music, and despite it being a little off-key at times, I have loved it from the first listen. Each time, a different line gets me emotional, and I am truly grateful to have my song. Mark and Julia also sang my song, so I almost have an LP! 

I kindly thank Mark for his skill and compassion, Emmy for capturing the moment, and all the team at Swan Song for allowing me to record my message to music and making the whole experience safe, fun, and enjoyable!

For years, I have lived in anticipatory grief, knowing that at some point in my life will end earlier than planned, but now I am reassured that my son and parents have unique keepsakes and will know through hearing my voice that my “love won’t end.”.

From start to finish, this process has been hugely comforting and healing. It is true that “music is medicine that the heart and soul need.”

The Swan Song charity is unique, and I hope it continues to grow. To anyone who is also facing a difficult time living with a terminal diagnosis or who is grieving and thinking about contacting Swan Song, DO IT. 

You will be matched with an artist who is right for you, and creative juices will start to flow as you remember, “There’s a song in us all.”  I, for one, can’t wait to hear many more Swan songs to come! 

Thank you, Swan Song team. forever grateful   

 Laura Gray June 2024

Listen to Laura’s Swan Song “The Love Won’t End” here: